Lorraine: We haven't written a Fifty Shades post in two weeks, but it really seems like ages since we last took rage to screen. No worries, though. This crap is like riding a bike. I already feel my fingers reaching for the capslock key.
We start the chapter with everyone in the restaurant staring at Kate, because if you'll recall, Elliot just proposed to her. We're supposed to be freaking out about what Kate will answer, I guess, but let's be honest:
This chapter, dear readers, marks the mid-way point in Fifty Shades Freed. We are halfway there. (And trying not to think about the fact that this means we still have three long months of Fifty Shades reading ahead of us.) As with the first two books, we are celebrating this momentous occasion with a vlog. This is the final Fifty Shades vlog recap! I realize that we have now celebrated the shit out of every completed step in the Fifty Shades reading process and it has probably lost all meaning for you, but we really like to celebrate.
Several of you mentioned on Twitter that 5 minutes is your max for a vlog, so I apologize for not being able to get our 40 minutes of rambling into anything less than 14.
Several of you mentioned on Twitter that 5 minutes is your max for a vlog, so I apologize for not being able to get our 40 minutes of rambling into anything less than 14.
Ana starts us off by confirming that no, she did not know where her husband was born. That's usually the stuff you learn in like week 2 or 3 of dating, right about the time Grey and Ana were signing contracts or, I don't know, getting married.
Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.
Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.
Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.
Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.
Previously: Ana disobeys Grey when she decides to go have a drink with Kate. When she gets back home, turns out Jack Hyde has been apprehended by her security people....
Sweeney: The chapter begins with Ana waking up to being physically smothered not-quite-to-death by Grey. She notes that he is "so needy on some level." LOL, you think? This makes her think of baby!Grey just for your chapter-beginning pedobear EW moment. She wakes him up and he blinks a couple of times. I imagine that we are told about people blinking as many times in these three books as in the whole rest of literature.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That's what we're all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That's what we're all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
Ana wakes up to find Grey gone-but-not-really because he was just, you know, casually sitting in the arm chair watching her sleep. He tells her not to panic, speaking to her "like a cornered, wild animal," which is either a commentary on Ana's lack of intelligence or the fact that waking up to Christian Grey watching you sleep is terrifying. Maybe both. Isn't this how you'd like to start your days?
Lorraine: Absolutely not. I can't even joke about this shit; that is terrifying.
...but I like that he's wearing GRAY! pants. A+
Lorraine: Absolutely not. I can't even joke about this shit; that is terrifying.
...but I like that he's wearing GRAY! pants. A+
Grey has been locked away in the study for over an hour so naturally Ana doesn't even know what to do with her self. She's tried reading, watching TV and sunbathing, though she's sure to tell us it's full dressed sunbathing. I don't even know what that means. Probably sunbathing in a parka, because what else screams "abuse victim on a vacation!"
Sweeney: It's amusing when Ana "tries" to do things other than be around Christian Grey because this, like many other things in this series, is something that she talks about doing -- she often tells us of her arduous efforts to DO things at the "stressful" moments in her narrative, but she almost never actually does much of anything besides wait for Christian Grey to tell her what to do.
Sweeney: It's amusing when Ana "tries" to do things other than be around Christian Grey because this, like many other things in this series, is something that she talks about doing -- she often tells us of her arduous efforts to DO things at the "stressful" moments in her narrative, but she almost never actually does much of anything besides wait for Christian Grey to tell her what to do.
Someone mentioned in a comment how illogical these chapter-to-chapter not-cliffhangers are in this book, because it's not like someone reading this book is going to wait in suspense for days. I'm only bringing it up now because I'm about 99% certain that this "writing" choice is most likely the product of the fact that this was originally Twilight fanfiction, where readers did have to wait for her next abysmal installment. Consider this your semi-regular reminder of that fact and also that the world is unfair.
My personal headcanon of Ana's shock and horror upon looking in the mirror was an existential crisis of sorts, in which she realized what a tragedy it was that she exists. Or fictionally exists. The actual reason? Hickeys.
My personal headcanon of Ana's shock and horror upon looking in the mirror was an existential crisis of sorts, in which she realized what a tragedy it was that she exists. Or fictionally exists. The actual reason? Hickeys.
After writing 22 separate posts about how terrible this book is, it has reached a point where we're not even sure how to simplify how much it sucks. Just in case you were looking for the tl;dr version (not to be confused with our usual snark which is more TOO TERRIBLE; PLEASE DON'T READ), we've put together a list of the stand-out awful moments, courtesy of one Christian Grey. Consider this your, "Fifty Shades Darker is Awful Talking Points Cheat Sheet."
I have a love/hate relationship with this episode. Because it's kind of awesome. But there's also a crapton of douchey nonsense that pisses me off. So...yeah.
We open at the Bronze. Oh, trusty Bronze. At least something around here is still the same... Also the same? Dingoes Ate My Baby are playing and Willow's doing her proud face over Oz's musical abilities.
Lor: Also, Devon is wearing a belly-shirt with the US flag on it. Oh, trusty horrible fashion. You too are still the same.
Sweeney: And we're so glad for it! I would be so lost and confused without it.
K: So true.
We open at the Bronze. Oh, trusty Bronze. At least something around here is still the same... Also the same? Dingoes Ate My Baby are playing and Willow's doing her proud face over Oz's musical abilities.
Lor: Also, Devon is wearing a belly-shirt with the US flag on it. Oh, trusty horrible fashion. You too are still the same.
Sweeney: And we're so glad for it! I would be so lost and confused without it.
K: So true.
Previously: The arrival of Faith (!!) has left Sunnydale with two slayers. Also: naked Angel. Beauty and the Beasts Sweeney: The episode begins with a full moon, suggesting Oz/werewolf time....
Previously: Ana attends a charity event hosted by Grey’s parents with balls in her vagina. That’s not a metaphor for anything; there were actual balls in her vagina. — Lorraine:...
Previously: Christian Grey upped his own stalker game by buying the company where Ana works. Ana briefly expressed valid, genuine concern, but then he smiled at her and she reverted...
Lor: What do you mean you don't have time to examine your surroundings? I now know that the upstairs lights are halogens and on a mother freakin' dimmer. Trust me. You've noticed your damn surroundings.
Ana compares Grey to a dangerous predator again. I'd say something about this being repetitive, but really, there are only so many nice ways to say, "he's probably going to kill me."
Sweeney: Obviously I have only read one chapter of this book, but the first thing I noticed was how murdery the writing sounds. If I knew nothing else about this story, I would automatically think, "Welp, this girl's about to get axe murdered on a creepy boat with bad porno lighting."
Grey is waking Ana up with soft kisses but napping is better than any kiss, so Ana turns around and tries to keep sleeping. I approve.
Grey tells Ana she has to wake up because they have to be at his parent's house for dinner in half an hour. Ana is nervous about meeting Grey's parents, especially because he's just "worked [her] over with a riding crop and tied [her] up using a cable [she] sold him, for heaven's sake." As if the fact that she sold him the cable has any bearing on this.
Oh, he tied you up? That's cool. WAIT YOU SOLD HIM THE CABLE?