Previously: Jacob got so pissed at Edward for thinking about sexing his wife. — Marines: Stephenie Meyer is terrible at transitions so instead of cutting to their arrival at their honeymoon...
International Gallery. Four armed guards take their positions around a force field meant to protect a big ass golden goblet. I'm going to show you how they are protecting this and you tell me if you see any lapses in security:
Kirsti: As a former museum curator, THIS IS THE WORST SECURITY OF ALL TIME. Why the eff would you spend that much on laser systems and paying security guards and, you know, NOT PUT THE FREAKING OBJECT IN A SHOWCASE WITH BUILT IN ALARMS AND BULLET PROOF GLASS?!?!?!?! Sense: this doesn't any make.
Kirsti: As a former museum curator, THIS IS THE WORST SECURITY OF ALL TIME. Why the eff would you spend that much on laser systems and paying security guards and, you know, NOT PUT THE FREAKING OBJECT IN A SHOWCASE WITH BUILT IN ALARMS AND BULLET PROOF GLASS?!?!?!?! Sense: this doesn't any make.
We ended the last chapter with Tessa asking Hardin why he doesn't like her. He wants to know why she would even ask that. Tessa says it's because she's been nothing but nice to him (questionable) (S: Probably... not... though...) and she thought they could even be friends (in between judging his tattoos?). Hardin laughs at her because it's obvious why they can never be friends: she's too uptight and he thinks she probably grew up in the perfect home where she never had to work for anything. Well, we know she dresses like a Sunday School teacher Hardin, but that is presumptuous.
This past weekend the Gilmore Girls revival premiered on Netflix. Why not choose this moment to start our journey from the very beginning?
A title card and jaunty yet dated music bring us to a street in the quaint town of Stars Hollow.
Annie: I know it's early for me to be already interrupting, but Pilot!Stars Hollow was filmed in a small town near Toronto. I visited it last year and all these years later, it really, really looks like Stars Hollow to me. (Sorry, sorry, sorry).
A title card and jaunty yet dated music bring us to a street in the quaint town of Stars Hollow.
Annie: I know it's early for me to be already interrupting, but Pilot!Stars Hollow was filmed in a small town near Toronto. I visited it last year and all these years later, it really, really looks like Stars Hollow to me. (Sorry, sorry, sorry).
For this episode’s “Previously on BrainDead” song, Jonathan Coulton pretends he wasn’t just as worried as the rest of us when the space bugs got to Laurel.
Once again, we begin where the last episode ended — with Laurel and Gareth at the bar, trying to make things normal again, and Laurel saying she thinks bugs are eating people’s brains and making them stupid. Because that’s a totally normal thing to say.
Gareth is thrown by this, and Laurel admits she is, too. He asks about the bugs but struggles to take any of it seriously.
Once again, we begin where the last episode ended — with Laurel and Gareth at the bar, trying to make things normal again, and Laurel saying she thinks bugs are eating people’s brains and making them stupid. Because that’s a totally normal thing to say.
Gareth is thrown by this, and Laurel admits she is, too. He asks about the bugs but struggles to take any of it seriously.
The TARDIS lands, and the Doctor rushes out in a panic into suburban London, Donna behind him. He's surprised to see that everything's perfectly normal. Donna's too busy being all, "so that was Rose Tyler, huh?" (M: Kinda fair given all the Doctor's moping over her...) The Doctor says that if Rose is back, it means the walls between parallel universes are breaking down, and they'll take all the dimensions down with them. He rushes back into the TARDIS. Across the street from the TARDIS, a milk van starts to shake, and the tiles fall off a house roof. The milkman stares up at the sky in shock.
CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!! (S: THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE DOOONE.)
That's right, friends. It's the final episode of the season, and that means it's time for the previouslies to take us right back to the beginning and remind us of all the major plot points from the past five seasons that may prove relevant here. But mostly it means a full minute of jamming to Kansas because I have not so secretly terrible taste in music.
That's right, friends. It's the final episode of the season, and that means it's time for the previouslies to take us right back to the beginning and remind us of all the major plot points from the past five seasons that may prove relevant here. But mostly it means a full minute of jamming to Kansas because I have not so secretly terrible taste in music.
Unsurprisingly, this episode which features archaeologists and libraries, is one of my favourites. Because it's freaking amazing.
Marines: I'm with you on the library and the amazing and the favorite and we're already squeeing and the episode hasn't started yet. I'M SO EXCITED.
K: "Close your eyes, and tell me what you see," says a voice. The tinkly orchestra tinkles as a little girl floats over a huge city and says that she sees the library. When she opens her eyes, she's in her living room, talking to a psychologist named Doctor Moon. (M: It's Colin Salmon, who I best know as Walter Steele in Arrow!)
Marines: I'm with you on the library and the amazing and the favorite and we're already squeeing and the episode hasn't started yet. I'M SO EXCITED.
K: "Close your eyes, and tell me what you see," says a voice. The tinkly orchestra tinkles as a little girl floats over a huge city and says that she sees the library. When she opens her eyes, she's in her living room, talking to a psychologist named Doctor Moon. (M: It's Colin Salmon, who I best know as Walter Steele in Arrow!)
The previouslies are a warning to the audience: you definitely don't remember any of this stuff. Theon's dad and sister! Lord Karstark getting beheaded by a still-alive Robb! Bran knows a really smart bird!
Credits take us to Kings Landing, and then throw PYKE at us. Then Flayed Winterfaux, The Wall That Killed Our Dreams, Braavos, and Meereen. Yay, no Dorne! This episode is off to a great start.
Credits take us to Kings Landing, and then throw PYKE at us. Then Flayed Winterfaux, The Wall That Killed Our Dreams, Braavos, and Meereen. Yay, no Dorne! This episode is off to a great start.
Bella ends up in an "unremarkable" room, which she then remarks on for a paragraph. (K: THANK YOU. That annoyed me so much.) Edward is glowering at the hallway as Jane leads them to an elevator. Once inside, the Volturi Vamps relax and take off their cloaks so Bella can comment on their olive complexion which looks "odd" combined with their chalky pallor. Only the palest, truest white for Bella Swan.
Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, "their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils." ....black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!
Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, "their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils." ....black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!
We open at a cemetery where it's storming and hands start reaching out of the graves. Soon, a guy crawls all of the way out.
Kirsti: It was very Buffy-esque, to be honest, and I still can't decide if it was intentional or not.
Samantha: Head cannon that it was intentional.
A man is watching an animal documentary and drinking a beer. There's some scare fake outs and then zombie guy is in the house. He kills beer guy.
BLOOOOOOOOOD.
Kirsti: It was very Buffy-esque, to be honest, and I still can't decide if it was intentional or not.
Samantha: Head cannon that it was intentional.
A man is watching an animal documentary and drinking a beer. There's some scare fake outs and then zombie guy is in the house. He kills beer guy.
BLOOOOOOOOOD.
A business-y man watches a commercial for an Ood and talks about it with someone on the other side of a wrist communicator. Business is down so they are dropping the price all the way to 50 credits. After the wrist conversation is over, Business Man tells a nearby Ood to pull some military reports, because the military are always looking for some extra help.
Another call comes into Business Man's watch, just so we're super clear that this man is selling Ood. The Ood from a second ago comes back with a file, but Business Man says it's the wrong one. The Ood says that's irrelevant. A little surprised and a little upset, Business Man asks why that is.
Another call comes into Business Man's watch, just so we're super clear that this man is selling Ood. The Ood from a second ago comes back with a file, but Business Man says it's the wrong one. The Ood says that's irrelevant. A little surprised and a little upset, Business Man asks why that is.
An alleyway somewhere in London. "VOTE SAXON" posters are plastered all over the walls. A blue swirly vortex appears and out pop Jack, Martha and the Doctor, courtesy of Jack's wrist cuff. They all immediately make NYARGH-y sounds because time travel without a capsule is horrible. Jack's impressed that they made it to the right place and the right time, but the Doctor says "That wasn't luck. That was me."
We open with a preppy blonde cheerleader uttering the words "She's such a slut," so that we can get our misogyny shots out of the way early. The jock next to her at the lunch table says he's "pro-slut" (SHOTS!) and asks for further details. She provides them, then stops as the girl in question approaches the table and goes to sit in her usual spot. But LOL NOPE, society is the worst and all her friends fake-cough "SLUT!" at her until she storms off to sit at another table.
Marines: She can't see it now, but it's a better table, far from slut-shamers and almost equally as bad, people who would ever fake cough a word.
Marines: She can't see it now, but it's a better table, far from slut-shamers and almost equally as bad, people who would ever fake cough a word.
London, 1599. A guy with a terrible hair cut plays the lute and sings to a woman leaning out of her window. It's all very Romeo and Juliet. She looks incredibly familiar, and that's because she's Blanche Ingram from the BBC's 2006 version of Jane Eyre! (M: AHHH!) She also played Caroline Bingley in Lost in Austen. (M: Less exciting.) She informs him that after his amazing singing she's totally DTF and he rushes upstairs.
When he gets to her room, he's weirded out to see that it's full of creepy magical looking stuff. She kisses him, and turns into a crone with pointy teeth. He freaks. She gestures and two other crone-faced witches rush forward. They cackle as they surround him, and tear him to shreds.
When he gets to her room, he's weirded out to see that it's full of creepy magical looking stuff. She kisses him, and turns into a crone with pointy teeth. He freaks. She gestures and two other crone-faced witches rush forward. They cackle as they surround him, and tear him to shreds.