The previouslies are helping me remember how much I hated new!Kaitlin (BRING BACK SHAILENE WOODLEY) and the infuriating way she speaks like she's got a permanent mouthful of cotton candy. I haven't seen the previous episode in at least seven or so years, but it's all coming back to me now.
Cohen House Breakfast Where Everyone Is Way Too Awake For Such An Early Hour But At Least There Are Bagels. Sandy's big day involves building a hospital, a project he inherited from Caleb. Except they're still competing with another firm to get the project, or something? Whatever, the important thing is that Sandy needs his lucky tie and Kirsten already got it cleaned for him because these two are an awesome team.
In order to adequately recap this episode, I need to start with Snark Lady Storytime: once upon a time (read: July 3rd 2014) in a faraway kingdom (read: Snark HQ), two Snark Ladies were trying to work out how best to recap Dawson's Creek after season 1. Should we alternate? Stick exclusively to odds/evens? Or alternate and then split the season finale? And I'm not going to lie: my decision was made solely based on the fact that I'd get to recap this episode, and Diva was nice enough to not interfere.
Because the gods of Squee have been good to us, we begin exactly where we left off - in the first ever Paceyphine make-out sesh. Our beautiful moment sailing our ship on the high seas of feels ends quickly enough when Joey shoves Pacey away from her and calls him insane.
Kirsti: See, kids, this is why consent is important, even when your ship is sailing.
Diva: Yup, I have a consent rant coming too!
Kirsti: See, kids, this is why consent is important, even when your ship is sailing.
Diva: Yup, I have a consent rant coming too!
We open in the Witter Jeep, with Pacey driving Joey to the train station. She gushes about how she'll finally get to use those dance lessons they took, and Pacey squints at an ornate invitation. Apparently AJ has won a creative writing award and there's a big celebration and dancing?? I'm as confused as Pacey is. He grumbles about it, then tells Joey to ignore him and have a good time.
Democracy Diva: The dancing thing is dumb and only exists so the Powers that Be Contriving can name this episode Cinderella Story.
Democracy Diva: The dancing thing is dumb and only exists so the Powers that Be Contriving can name this episode Cinderella Story.
Ryan is driving Johnny home from the hospital with Marissa and Seth along for the ride. Apparently this kid's mom was like, "I'd like to see you discharged from the hospital but I gotta work." Sweet.
There is a bit of an awkward moment about Johnny's "poor people house" but it's cool because Ryan comes from poorer and Marissa is poor now too. Poor can happen to anyone. (D: #snarksquadmottos) Johnny struggles a bit on his crutches while trying to climb the steps to his house. Marissa has free period at school so Ryan tells her to stay with Johnny and help him get settled. Seth starts to say something but Ryan cuts him off before he can. Johnny doesn't have anyone and he trusts Marissa not to be a cheatery cheater. I'm sure this will end well.
There is a bit of an awkward moment about Johnny's "poor people house" but it's cool because Ryan comes from poorer and Marissa is poor now too. Poor can happen to anyone. (D: #snarksquadmottos) Johnny struggles a bit on his crutches while trying to climb the steps to his house. Marissa has free period at school so Ryan tells her to stay with Johnny and help him get settled. Seth starts to say something but Ryan cuts him off before he can. Johnny doesn't have anyone and he trusts Marissa not to be a cheatery cheater. I'm sure this will end well.
I was nine years old in 1997, when Spiceworld marched into theaters with the ferocity and panache of Posh Spice at choreography boot camp. For those who were not a child, tween, or teen in the late 90s, you may not be able to understand why this movie even exists. But insane as it is, I promise you, there was a market for this insanity, and I was IT. I know every word to every song in this "film" (ironic quotations marks required), and to me, it is prime snarking fodder. Let us begin!
Bruce is hanging around under a bridge. Some dodgy guy tries to start on him, but Selina appears and scares him away. She went back to check on Reggie, whose definitely-dead body has now been found by the cops. Bruce gets teary and asks why she did it. Selina yells back that she saved his life by killing Reggie, because otherwise this Bunderslaw guy would have found out what they were up to. Bruce suggests that they go check out Bunderslaw’s safe at the office to find out what he’s hiding, and Selina agrees to help after making him promise not to tell anyone what happened to Reggie.
We open at Capeside High. Dawson gushes to Joey about a particular type of camera and how it's a million times better than shooting video and blah blah, I honestly don't give a fuck about anything this dude has to say. They head to the film classroom to get the camera, and Kendra's there fiddling with it. She and Joey exchange some polite small talk, then Dawson tells her to hand over the camera. She's all "LOL NOPE" because she just checked it out for the next month. He gapes like a goldfish and Kendra says that she cleared it with the film teacher. Dawson wants to know when he'll get the camera, and she tells him that film making is an art that can't be rushed.
I can already tell from the title alone that this episode will be stupid. Don't disappoint me Charmed.
Marines: It never has.
Steph: Prue takes a business call while Phoebe eats breakfast and urges her to hurry up so they can attend a Tae Bo class. LOL. Tae Bo.
Prue's cell rings and Phoebe answers. It's work too, with more stressful work stuff. Who cares?
Marines: It never has.
Steph: Prue takes a business call while Phoebe eats breakfast and urges her to hurry up so they can attend a Tae Bo class. LOL. Tae Bo.
Prue's cell rings and Phoebe answers. It's work too, with more stressful work stuff. Who cares?
We open on Spencer, who has fallen asleep at Ezra's desk, and is drooling all over the Ali Diary. Ezra walks in, wakes her up and asks what she's doing. She's confused, just as anyone would be to realize that they're in their pajamas, at school, and this is not an actual dream. She tries to leave but he creepy stops her and tells her the path she's on is dangerous, then the bell rings and she uses it to make a break for it. Ezra creepy stares after her. But I guess he's used to people fleeing his dead-eyed stare.
SHHHHH.
Coma-makeup!Spencer is changing in the girl's bathroom.
SHHHHH.
Coma-makeup!Spencer is changing in the girl's bathroom.
We open with a very lame night at P^3. People are leaving because this show is so awful the club is dead.
Prue tells Phoebe that she thinks they are going to have to take up that offer. Phoebe responds, "please tell me about that offer even though we've presumably already talked about it off screen!" Apparently, some guy named Chris Barker has offered them a no-interest loan they can pay back anytime. Prue says they aren't going to tell Piper about it, though, because.
Stephanie: They're at The Bronze, where you have an 85% chance of dying, but it's still preferable to this.
Prue tells Phoebe that she thinks they are going to have to take up that offer. Phoebe responds, "please tell me about that offer even though we've presumably already talked about it off screen!" Apparently, some guy named Chris Barker has offered them a no-interest loan they can pay back anytime. Prue says they aren't going to tell Piper about it, though, because.
Stephanie: They're at The Bronze, where you have an 85% chance of dying, but it's still preferable to this.
So, before we begin I feel obligated to inform you all that I have never ever seen a single episode of The O.C. before this episode. My only defense is that IMDb tells me that this episode aired in good ol' 2005 and I was pretty heavily into my emo phase at that point. I think I considered this show to be 'preppy' which is a thing that I would've shunned. (M: Fair.) (S: But it had so much music you would have loved! Except you wouldn't have been able to admit to hearing it via an OC Mix. The struggle.)
This episode starts with lots of previouslies. A lot of stuff has happened to these rich blonde people, you guys. A lot. Of stuff. Namely, something about a DNA test and this 30 year old woman is gonna get adopted? What? She's clearly 30.
This episode starts with lots of previouslies. A lot of stuff has happened to these rich blonde people, you guys. A lot. Of stuff. Namely, something about a DNA test and this 30 year old woman is gonna get adopted? What? She's clearly 30.
We open at Buckland where Prue is appraising a tacky painting of a gothic castle. She points out that the composition is unusual but it’s really not. It’s just a castle sitting in the middle of the canvas and it's definitely a photograph that's been shopped to look painted. The painting belongs to a super nervous woman. She wants to sell it as soon as possible and she doesn’t care how much money they get for it. Her behavior leads me to believe that this is an Evil Painting. The scene ends on an ominous zoom in shot of the painting, so definitely evil.
Phoebe and Piper talk on the phone about how Phoebe crashed Prue’s car into a pole. It looks like Piper is prepping stuff for Wanna-Bronze. I can’t wait.
Phoebe and Piper talk on the phone about how Phoebe crashed Prue’s car into a pole. It looks like Piper is prepping stuff for Wanna-Bronze. I can’t wait.
When Mari asked me if I’d like to take on another show and told me Supernatural and Charmed were both available, I immediately jumped on this one because I like pain.
Marines: Um, I don't care why you're doing it. HOORAY!
Steph: Come along, friends, as we enter another season of utter nonsense.
Marines: Um, I don't care why you're doing it. HOORAY!
Steph: Come along, friends, as we enter another season of utter nonsense.
We pick up right after the last episode, with the girls hanging out at the mausoleum, the hot spot of all the young liars in town. Spencer has flipped through the journal and doesn't recognize any of the names in it. Hanna says that Ali changed the names around, because she was the kind of girl who even lied to her own diary, or something. Spencer wonders why Hanna kept this to herself for so long and she tries to carefully explain that there is stuff in there that they may not know about each other or stuff they may want to forget. Emily and Spencer get snippy with her for keeping the thing to herself, but Aria calms everyone down.